


don't mention it (no, really, don't)

by dapperyklutz



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, from Gareth's POV, kinky Hartwin, team kingsman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 06:45:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12551532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dapperyklutz/pseuds/dapperyklutz
Summary: “Galahad! Now!” Harry’s voice is stern now and - maybe Colin is just imagining it - a tad strained?Eggsy rolls his eyes and the next thing he says short-circuits Colin’s brain, rendering the 31-year-old speechless. At this point, he can say goodbye to freedom now because there’s no way that he's going to be able to finish that fucking report by midnight.Merlin’s going tokillhim.OrHarry is being a little unusual, Eggsy is fucking shameless, and all Gareth wanted was to finish his fucking mission report.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by true events that happened at my workplace. And before you ask, it's the thing that happens at the end.
> 
> Enjoy!

It was just another day at Kingsman’s HQ.

Until there's a knock on his door.

“Colin, have you seen Eggsy?”

Colin looks up from his laptop where he’s typing up his mission report to see Harry standing on the doorway of his office.

“Hey, Harry!” greets the hyperactive agent with a grin. “I haven’t seen Eggsy since this morning at the gym. He’s probably at the shop.”

“Ah,” replies the King with a pensive nod. “Right.”

Colin is tempted to point out that his boss is staring off in the distance with a very odd look but decides last-minute to say something else.

“May I know why you’re looking for him, sir?” he asks instead, head cocked to the side.

Harry breaks out of his trance and looks back at Colin, dark brown eyes blinking owlishly at him for a moment.

“I want to speak to him about his upcoming mission,” Harry says, expression turning sheepish. Hmm, that’s even more odd. “Anyway, thank you, Colin. I apologise for the disturbance.”

Colin straightens in his seat and shakes his head in earnest.

“Not at all, Harry! Gotta be honest, you're a welcome distraction. This report is such a fucking chore.”

Harry lets out a laugh and shakes his head in amusement. He runs a hand over his coiffed hair as he turns his head to the left to see whoever was coming from the hallway. For the first time in a long time, Colin is a little confused at how Harry - Arthur - is acting all jittery. Mind, the older gent is hiding it extremely well, and if it weren’t for his training Colin wouldn’t even notice the minuscule details that gives away Harry’s current predicament.

“Well, we both know what would happen if you don’t finish that report in time,” comments Harry when he turns his attention back to the younger agent. A crooked smile stretches across the man’s lips, and Colin fights down a shudder at the image of Merlin’s wrath if he submits his report late. Again.

“Perish the thought, boss-man,” Colin exclaims, and he doesn’t fail to notice Harry cringe at the latest addition to Colin’s list of nicknames for Harry’s position. Heh.

Harry just shakes his head and raises an eyebrow at Colin.

“Thank you, Gareth.”

Colin fights down a smirk but internally pats his own back at managing to get under his boss’s skin. Again.

(What? It’s fun! And it’s not like it’s harming anyone.

Except that time he referred Merlin’s head to a crystal ball and he ended up taking a two-month recon mission in Siberia in the middle of fucking winter.)

He just grins and then responds, “Don’t mention it, Arthur!” at Harry’s retreating form.

Well, there goes his entertainment for the day.

Colin sighs dramatically and focuses his attention at finishing the bloody fucking report. Why does he even have to provide a thorough and accurate list of the weapons he used to massacre a building full of drug traffickers? It’s not like he was keeping count of what was on his hand at the time to take out the enemies.

It takes him another thirty minutes to be completely focused on his work. He’s more than halfway through with it, and he’s confident he’ll be able to meet the deadline at midnight. Oh, he can already taste the freedom - that’s how close he is.

Or so he thinks.

“Oi, Colin,” greets a familiar accent from his doorway.

The cogs working in Colin’s mind comes to an abrupt halt as he looks up from his laptop for the second time in less than one hour.

“Eggsy! Hey, mate,” answers Colin with a grin. “Where’ve you been?”

Eggsy raises an eyebrow and he casually leans against the doorframe as he crosses his arms.

“Was helping Alastair with his parkour at the grounds,” explains the blond with a shrug. “He’s still a bit rough but he’s improved a lot.”

Colin nods his head. He remembers that Alastair, aka Percival, has an upcoming mission and has enlisted Eggsy to teach him parkour as Galahad is the only agent who acquires that skill. And he’s absolutely fucking brilliant at it, Colin admits with a touch of envy.

“Anyway, jus’ wanted to ask if you’ve seen Harry?” Eggsy continues nonchalantly, oblivious to Colin’s inner monologue. “Searched for him everywhere, but he’s not even in his office.”

“Oh, he was searching for you about an hour ago as well,” Colin answers, scratching his head. He doesn’t fail to notice how Eggsy blinks and a ghost of a smirk plays over his features before it becomes blank. “Dunno where he went, though, but you can ask Ector - he’s a few doors down, and I heard Harry stop by his office after he left mine.”

Eggsy leans away from the doorframe as he runs a hand over his messy blond locks, his posture straightening.

“Thanks, bruv,” Eggsy responds with a nod, lips stretching into a smug smirk.

Eh?

Okay, something weird is seriously going on, Colin thinks. He’s morbidly curious to know what’s up between Harry and Eggsy, given that the two have been in a committed relationship for a few months now.

“Don’t me —“ Colin is about to say for the second time, but he’s interrupted by another familiar voice.

This time, it’s coming from a floor _above_ them.

What the fuck? Mobile phones exist for a reason these days!

“Eggsy, come here, please!” Harry’s voice echoes.

Ah, the king is back in his office, then. Colin continues to look at Eggsy in confusion as the younger agent’s smirk grows.

“That’s my cue,” Eggsy utters with a cheeky wink.

“What —“ 

“Galahad! Now!” Harry’s voice is stern now and - maybe Colin is just imagining it - a tad strained?

Eggsy rolls his eyes and the next thing he says short-circuits Colin’s brain, rendering the 31-year-old speechless. At this point, he can say goodbye to freedom now because there’s no way that Colin is going to be able to finish that fucking report by midnight.

Merlin’s going to _kill_ him.

“Comin’, Daddy!” Eggsy singsongs, a shit-eating grin etched on his face this time as he disappears from Colin’s view.

In the distance, Colin hears someone choking and coughing but he doesn’t pay attention because —

“What the fuck,” Colin mutters to himself, stunned. “What the _fuck_ was that?”

So much for it just being another day at Kingsman HQ.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colin and his fellow agents plus Merlin deal with the aftermath through chat.

Just then, Colin’s laptop pings with several notifications, and it takes him a few moments to discover from which application it was coming from.

It’s from the Kingsman Messaging App.

The dark-haired agent doesn’t hesitate to click on the icon, and a window pops up on one of the many group chats he’s a part of. He’s not surprised that everyone in the group is reacting, but the way everyone’s messages is overlapping each other’s proved to be a challenge to follow at first. 

 **Ector:** Did I hear that right?!?!

 **Bors:** I’m crying

 **Bors:** This can’t be happening

 **Gawain:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **Percival:** I just got in the building, what happened?

 **Gawain:** MY OFFICE IS A FEW DOORS AWAY FROM HARRY’S

 **Bors:** OH MY GOD

 **Gawain:** WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

 **Ector:** COLIN, YOU HEARD THAT TOO, RIGHT???

 **Lancelot:** Wait, what happened?

 **Merlin:** Heard what?

 **Tristan:** MY EARSSSSS

 **Tristan:** SOMEBODY SEDATE ME

 **Ector:** oh my god thIS IS THE WORST

 **Percival:** What is going on???

 **Lancelot:** Will somebody coherent enough PLEASE explain what the fuck is going on?

 **Merlin:** What Roxy said.

 **Bors:** Lady and gents, you really don’t want to know

 **Lancelot:** Then why the fuck are you lot freaking out like it’s the end of the world?

 **Lancelot:** Again?

 **Merlin:** Really, Roxy?

 **Gawain:** mate

 **Gawain:** MATE

 **Tristan:** RICHARD NO

 **Percival:** Jesus, don’t just leave us hanging here!

 **Merlin:** Just fucking tell us already!

Nobody replies after that, and Colin is loath to admit that he’s the one who has to break the news to the other agents and Merlin.

Oh, _God_.

It can’t really mean anything though, right? What Eggsy said.

It could just be a funny joke! Right? Or, or, or…

Fuck it, he can’t think of a reasonable explanation for what just occurred, and frankly he can’t be arsed to at the moment.

His mind is still _reeling_ , thank you very much.

Alright. Fuck it, here goes nothing.

 **Gareth:** Harry came into my office an hour ago looking for Eggsy, but I didn’t know where he was

 **Gareth:** He was acting a bit funny too

 **Gareth:** Then Eggsy came to my office just now looking for Harry

 **Gareth:** Then Harry calls Eggsy and Eggsy’s acting all cheeky

 **Gareth:** Don’t ask, idek why

 **Gareth:** And then Harry goes “Galahad! Now!” So Eggsy says

 **Gareth:** Eggsy says

 **Gareth:** Oh god I can’t

 **Gareth:** I can’t type it :(((((

 **Ector:** mate, don’t

 **Tristan:** I swear to God

 **Tristan:** DON’T

 **Lancelot:** What did Eggsy say?

 **Gawain:** HAVE MERCY, COLIN

 **Lancelot:** @Ector @Tristan @Gawain STFU!!!!

 **Percival:** @Gareth What did Eggsy say?

 **Merlin:** JUST TYPE IT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

 **Bors:** *crying emojis*

 **Gareth:** He said

 **Gareth:** “Coming, Daddy!”

 **Gareth:** :(((((

Silence.

For two minutes, nobody replies. Colin waits impatiently and before he can type a follow-up message, Roxy beats him to it.

 **Lancelot:** I’m gonna kill Eggsy

It’s quickly followed by:

 **Merlin:** I’m going to murder Harry

From there, the proverbial ice is broken.

 **Percival:** How the fuck am I going to look at Eggsy tomorrow? He’s teaching me parkour!

 **Ector:** Same

 **Ector:** I mean with Harry

 **Ector:** I have a meeting with him tomorrow

 **Ector:** IN HIS OFFICE

 **Ector:** WHERE THEY’RE DOING THINGS NOW

 **Bors:** UNSPEAKABLE THINGS

 **Gareth:** Can you hear anything? I can’t hear a thing!

 **Tristan:** WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING?

 **Gawain:** Everybody shut the fuck up I’m trying to find out what they’re doing

 **Lancelot:** Well?

 **Gawain:** …

 **Gareth:** What is it?

 **Merlin:** You bloody fuckers, leave them alone!

 **Merlin:** It’s bad enough they just made their kink known

 **Ector:** Images, Merlin. Images.

 **Bors:** For the love of GOD

 **Gareth:** Richard, you’re quiet. What are you hearing? :O

 **Gawain:** I’m packing up my things

 **Gawain:** I AM OUT OF HERE

 **Tristan:** Why? What did you hear?

 **Gawain** Do you really want to know?

 **Percival:** We’re fucking spies, Richard

 **Gareth:** Just type it out! T_T

 **Gareth:** I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, right??? 

**Ector:** Can’t believe I’m saying this but 

**Ector:** Tell us!! 

**Merlin:** I’m too old for this shit 

**Gawain:** ALRIGHT FINE 

**Gawain:** I heard some spanking 

**Lancelot:** Oh my God 

**Gawain:** And I heard Harry tell Eggsy 

**Gawain:** “You’ve been such a good boy for me” 

**Bors:** FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU 

**Gawain:** And Eggsy said, “For you? Always, Daddy” 

**Merlin:** *vomiting emoji* 

**Tristan:** FUCK THIS I’M OUT 

**Ector:** I NEED TO BLEACH MY BRAIN 

**Bors:** YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO KNOW, ARSEHOLE 

The chat goes on, and Colin sighs heavily as he minimises the window. He hears movement from upstairs and knows without a doubt that it’s Richard frantically leaving his office to give their boss and fellow agent some - well - privacy. 

Not that they need it at this point. 

Christ. 

He’s going to need more than alcohol to forget about what he just heard and read. There’s no fucking way this is going to die down anytime soon, not when Bors and Ector will gossip it to the other staff. Come tomorrow morning, the news would already have spread like wildfire, and Colin - no matter how mischievous and devious he can be - will not take part in fanning the flames. Hell fucking no, thanks. 

He rolls his shoulders and neck then checks his Bremont watch. 

“Aw, shit fucking shit.” 

**6:30PM.**

He still has a mission report to finish, but he is _so_ not in the mood. Not after _this_.

The dark-haired agent rubs his chin in thought, bright blue eyes narrowing as an idea begins to form in his head. 

Come to think of it, a two-month recon mission in some remote part of the world doesn’t sound so bad now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this silly thing. I haven't written a fic in so long and this provided a good way to break out of my writer's block.
> 
> Oh, and please do let me know what you think! :)


End file.
